purpleparadox: (Crazy in the Coconut!)
Why do I feel guilty for just wanting some time to myself? I've been constantly on the go, all damn semester long, and I just want some down time. It's the first weekend I've had since August where I haven't had some sort of commitment to worry about. Is it so wrong that I just want to sit in front of my computer, surf the internet, and listen to music like I haven't really been able to do all semester?

I mean, yeah, I did get some chances to do that, but they were in the ICT office, surrounded by computer bits, in an uncomfortable desk chair, and with people constantly coming in and out and in and out of my office. But aside from that, and the hour or so I was able to snatch each morning and evening after waking up/before going to bed, I haven't had time to do my sort of relaxing in a very long time.

Why do I feel guilty about this?

We just sat and watched TV together for two hours, and ate dinner, and it was nice, but now that I want to use the computer again, I feel guilty because he's on his side of the room, sad because we're not next to each other, paying attention to each other, and so on.

I want to hide, and just come out tomorrow when I feel better again.
purpleparadox: (Depressed)
For some reason, I feel very embarrassed talking about this. I have to get it out somehow, though, and I think I'd be even more embarrassed bringing this up to my one real-life friend (Michelle), so you guys get to deal with me. Yaay.

To put it bluntly and short, I think I might have Asperger's Syndrome.

It would explain a hell of a lot about why I am the way I am. I suck at normal conversations and social interactions. I focus too much on random and obscure stuff, to the exclusion of things I should be worrying about. (Do you need to know something about Sailor Moon? I can give you the birthdays of half the characters, and tell you the original air dates of each season, and tell you all about how they cut so much out of the American version and what they cut out, but ask me about classwork, like Flash, and I'll give you a blank stare.) I have to stick to my morning and evening routines or I get really out of whack. (Each morning, I get up, take my blanket and put it on my chair, go get a cup of coffee, and surf the internet until 7:30, when I get dressed. I talk to Bryan, and we get ready together - even his being gone on Friday mornings throws me off. At night, I retrieve my blanket from where I left it on my desk chair, read or watch TV in bed, and then burrow under said blanket in a very specific way and sleep - if the blanket is gone, there is no way in hell I can sleep) I can't make friends for shit. I just don't know how to relate to people in real life.

I almost want Asperger's to be the answer to all that's wrong with me, because then it will have a label. Then, I can say "oh, it's because of this" and not feel like such a horrible, miserable failure of a human being.

I'm going to see if I can meet with Dr. Moose this week and bring it up with him - he's my usual doctor at Student Health Services. I really hope he doesn't laugh me out of his office. I don't know what I'd do then. I don't know where else to go.

An update

May. 17th, 2010 07:48 am
purpleparadox: (Default)
Well, Johanna actually did read my letter on Facebook, and of course she wasn't happy. She denied she stole anything, denied she threw anything out, lied about how busy she was on my birthday and how she couldn't possibly take five minutes to say happy birthday but she could call to beg me to babysit, and lied about trying to poison Levon! Her entire reply to me (which I deleted out of frustration) looks like she's trying to make me out to be the bad guy. Suuure, because I'm totally the one who stole Mom's codeine, her collectible stuffed animals, and some of her medicine that she needs to survive, and I'm also sooo totally the one who threw out new vacuum bags, a dresser scarf, and all sorts of other stuff Mom was going to use! You would NEVER do something like that, right? Bullshit. Mom told me about how nobody in our family really likes her. About how one time when she was watching my cousin's kid's rabbit, amd got sick of taking care of it, so she snapped the poor thing's neck and said "There, I took care of it." And I remember the time she bought a dog that came with all sorts of supplies, kept it for a week, then took it out back and shot it for no reason.

This'll be the last post I make about her for a while. I can't have a toxic person like her in my life, and I can't think about someone toxic like this either.

I'm going to go drink my coffee, and ponder about working out this morning.

Why?

Aug. 14th, 2009 01:32 pm
purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: sad)
Why do I always end up in relationships that I end up hurting in?

Why do I even bother to try to form meaningful relationships when I know they'll all fail in the end? I have three close friends, one of which I talk to somewhat regularly, and Bryan. And we all know how well that's been going lately.

He says he'll try to make things better, try to work on things. How can he fix things when he's three hours away, going to garage sales with his mother?

He says he contributes to the house, that he cooks, does dishes, and is going to be driving me to student teaching, and helped me petsit. However, I'm the one who works 40 hours a week to pay for the food he cooks and the soap that washes the dishes. I clean the house, I wash and fold his laundry, and if it weren't for me being friends with Caroline, we wouldn't have had the pet sitting job at all. He just waltzes off to do fun things while I work my fucking ass off. I pay his bills. I pay the rent. I deal with his video game addiction. I fucking gave him a laptop. Granted it's used and has issues, but it actually runs, unlike the laptop his dad gave him. (And for those who are curious and wonder how I got a Macbook Pro while being unable to afford a wedding, I got extra financial aid to cover my computer- I found out that I can do a budget adjustment to pay for a computer once during my time in school. That's how I got the laptop, which is one of the smaller, cheaper Pros. They don't do budget adjustments for weddings.)

And I'm sitting here at Financial Aid, working, with the exciting prospect of going home and crying to my fish this evening, while Bryan is off in the mountains, having fun with his family.

Which is apparently another point of issue between us. He thinks I'm jealous of the relationship he has with his family. I'm just jealous of the fact that he actually gets to SEE his family. Since this time last year, I've seen his family 6 times. I've seen my mother ONCE.
purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: down)
-wedding has been postponed indefinitely. canceled reservation for the Arrowhead Lodge, so the refund will help out with finances.
-three days (well, two whole days and Wednesday morning) left of petsitting. It will be nice to have my life back.
-Bryan left for Lake Luzerne today.
-7 more days of work left.
-working on cranking out a unit on butterflies for student teaching. already.
-running out of new Doctor Who to watch. may have to start on the older stuff.
-been living off of coffee lately. not good, but considering the amount of stress I've been under lately...
-if I hear Stephen sing "Poker Face" or "My Heart Will Go On" one more time I will kill something.
-borderline depressed. woo.
purpleparadox: (SM: what the hell?)
I made ONE post about how upset I am with their service on twitter, and now "FlyUnited" is following me on twitter.

And I think I've got good reason to think their service sucks, too. The last leg of Bryan's flight to California, the Denver to Oakland part, got canceled when he flew over to California last Wednesday. Nobody was sure when he'd get a flight out there, it could be the following evening, but no they didn't have any hotel vouchers, so Bry almost spent the night in the Denver airport. (They thankfully managed to find him a flight to San Francisco that got him there a few hours later than planned.)

Then, last night, at 9:30, I get a call from Bryan. I was half asleep, and expecting him to say "I'm about to get on my last flight, from Chicago to Burlington. I'll snuggle you when I get home at 3 am!"

Instead I got "I'm not coming home tonight. They overbooked our flight, and I actually got a hotel voucher this time. Hey, this means I can do some hotel research for our honeymoon, eh?"

Way to look on the bright side of things, Bry- I was about ready to scream at that point. Seriously, two major fuckups on one trip? I've never flown United, and despite the fact that they gave Bry a voucher for a free flight (he told me I could use it to visit Rin - I told him I'd rather walk), I will never ever fly with them.

And now they're stalking me on Twitter. Creeeepy.
purpleparadox: (not happy.)
The apartment looks like crap. Screw it. Pop can deal with it. I worked all day and then planned a musical based on a book about some Amish kids and a peacock for two and a half hours after that. And I cleaned a little. I put the laundry and the sewing away. If he doesn't like it, maybe he should show up when he says he will, like he was supposed to last week. The house was clean last week.

I have to change the resin kids into their nicer clothes, because I just feel weird having them sit there, 'Tomi in that failure of a nightgown I made (the pattern was a failure - I put it together pretty well), and Aidan in the same clothes he's been in since last summer when I changed his clothes last. Why the hell do I not care about impressing Pop, but want the resin kids to impress him? What the fuck am I on?

Ugh. My father makes me feel so negative. I'm sick of trying to arrange my life around his rare visits. I mean, honestly, I can barely remember the last time I saw him. I know it's been longer than two years - maybe closer to three. I'd rather go see Mom, but with her health being crappy and everything...

Ugh. I'm going to go grab something to munch on and then go to bed. Eff this.
purpleparadox: (what the hell?)
So, I got my last paycheck from Curves mailed to me, finally, along with a letter reminding me of my confidentiality and non-competition agreement. Which, when I look at it, makes it sound almost like I can't be a member of the Body Shop for a year after I quit my job at Curves. I'm not sure if I'm reading it right - it could just mean that I can't end up employed there. (Which I'm not looking for anyway, I just need a place to work out- Dr. Moose said I need to work out as part of my anti-depression regimen.) And I know I'm not supposed to share the 'trade secrets', which there aren't many of, with The Body Shop. All I did was talk to the fitness tech and tell her I'd quit working at Curves, and needed a place to work out because I was dissatisfied with the Curves workout. She used to work out there too, and agreed with me that after a time, the machines just aren't enough. And that was it. (And then we ran into Carey, and then I got this letter with my last paycheck.) Either way, I'm angry. What the fuck do they think I'm gonna do, go spread the news that Curves sucks? It's spreading all on its own! The Body Shop is cheaper, has a lot more to do, and the place is in a lot better condition than Curves. I know part of that is due to the building Curves is in, but honestly, the stuff that's on the walls has been there since Keegan bought the place.

And to top it all off, Bryan's parents' van died, and they might have to take his car home. I remember the last time Bry's dad borrowed Bryan's car when he was on vacation. He totaled it.


Fuck.

aaaaaagh.

May. 5th, 2009 07:20 pm
purpleparadox: (harumph.)
I am exhausted and I am frustrated.

I am exhausted because I wrote three and a half research papers today - I typed up 6 lesson plans (totaling 10 pages), ran around campus for a little bit, and took the first of my final exams. (Which I'm pretty sure I aced.)

I am frustrated because I was planning on going in to observe next week, for my last day of pre-student teaching. Because of this, I don't have my 100 hour sheet signed, nor do I have my week 14 evaluation filled out. And I'll end up being three hours short. And I have to scan in my evaluation form, so Mrs. Burnett can fill it out, scan it, and send it back to me.

AUGH.

If it's not one thing it's another.

At least I have a job interview tomorrow. I'm going to wear my new blue shirt and hope for the best.
purpleparadox: (Default)
I hate the school's insurance company.

This is the first day I've had to decide between staying sane and being able to breathe. I wonder if it says something about me that I picked the antidepressants over the asthma medicine.

Stupid fucking insurance. Unless Dr. Moose can get me on some of the $4 generics that WalMart offers, I'm probably going to lose it this summer - especially without birth control regulating everything.

Fuck. When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? We couldn't afford to pay any of our bills this month, just rent, so we pay double of what we usually do on our next bills, and what happens if we can't afford to pay all of them? I think the phone would be what goes first - it's so expensive and Bry's had his phone shut off before. First I was dealing with that shit, and now my pills.

UGH.
purpleparadox: (Default)
augh why am I posting to DW/LJ when I haven't even made my lunch yet and I can't find my practicum notebook?

Oi vey.
purpleparadox: (Default)
It's strange, but true. I babysat some very well behaved little boys tonight, Anders and Carl. We spent the whole night hanging out on the couch, watching the Super Mario Bros. Super Show and playing DS games. It was like hanging out with two little brothers. They were so nice, and so friendly, and even the cat liked me!

I had a pretty good day overall, actually, I set up the tent and took a nap on the back porch, and then we set Bryan's tent up to air it out. And then we played with the plants! I took the cucumbers out for a bit, and they really liked being out in the sun. Bryan transplanted his little tomato plants, so hopefully they'll grow bigger soon. Also got to talk to Mom today, and Jo and I bounced facebook messages back and forth a few times. Haven't talked to Ruthie in a while, though. Apparently Mom's getting a little chihuahua. He's a red/brown little guy, and he's rather adorable, he's about 8 months old. I was looking to see if his picture was still up on Kijiji, but it's down already, so no baby puppy pictures. (I'll have some soon enough, though!)

I should go to bed. This is the latest I've been up in a while, and I'm starting to feel drowsy. At least I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Oh, while I'm thinking of it, Curves cut my hours AGAIN. I'm about to quit. What's the point in coming in for FOUR HOURS a week?
purpleparadox: (grar)
Since most of you have just started reading about my life today, none of you probably know about the issues I've been having with the sorority I stupidly joined two years ago. I joined Gamma Sigma Sigma, which is the national service sorority, because I wanted to make a difference, help people, and make new friends. All it's turned out to be is just a bunch of catty, clique-y little girls who want to wear Greek letters and get drunk every weekend. Our formal dinner/dance thing was last night, and I didn't go because I'm broke and I really didn't want to spend the evening with girls who ignored me all semester. So I ranted over in my LJ, and I'm ranting here too.

I am sick of getting bitched at for not going to the Gamma Sig formal. I was planning on it, until I had to pay over $500 for the rental fees for where Bry and I are getting married. And on top of that we've barely got enough money for next month's rent. What, do they expect me to crap out the money so I can watch a bunch of underaged girls get drunk? I've gotten a few "thanks for not going to formal!" comments from some of the girls. I've been treated like I don't even exist all semester long. That's it. I'm done.

Yes, I know I've said this before, but I'm stupid, and I gave everyone another chance, mostly because a lot of people guilt tripped me into it. Samantha said that she was pissed because I "abandoned" her and the rest of the pledge class. Well, friendship is a two-way street, girl, and you NEVER bothered to talk to me at all last semester, when I was inactive because grad school was kicking my ass. I hardly saw anyone, didn't even find out who all the new girls were until this semester, and even now I didn't know that Lucia went alumni a few weeks ago because of her schoolwork. The sorority's running almost in the red- if they actually paid the money they 'raised' to all the things we raised money for, we'd be in the negatives. Raising everyone's dues isn't going to fix it. Having Allison bitch at everybody for two hours every Sunday night isn't going to fix it. Completely ignoring your members isn't going to fix it. Throwing parties with money WE DON'T HAVE and getting our pictures taken for composite with money WE DON'T FUCKING HAVE isn't going to fix it. It also doesn't help that someone's been stealing money from the sorority, and Allison has threatened to kill our chapter because of the money thefts. Not because we don't do all that much service, not because Gamma Sig has turned into an easy way to get Greek letters and nobody cares about Service, Sisterhood, and Friendship anymore. No, it's because the money is disappearing.

I'm done. All my Gamma Sig related stuff will be put in Lost and Found, and that's it. I'm severing ties, I'm cutting my losses, I'm done.

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The Purple Paradox

February 2011

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