purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: eeeehhh...)
I'm going to omit a lot of this to spare any of the NaBloWriMo readers out there, but to make a long story short, Bryan's bad attitude has ended up with him not being able to move in to Tara and Josh's house. I'm more than welcome over there, but his attitude towards them, and how he treats me, has made Josh decide that he just doesn't want to put up with Bryan.

Which is understandable.

Also, I've only cranked out 600 words for my novel today (I was going to shoot for another 3,000, and who knows, I could make it, but only with coffee and chocolate and late night writing), I slept through the morning, I lumped around all day on the couch, and now I'm freezing and starving.

Oh lord, how I LOVE being an adult.

Why?

Aug. 14th, 2009 01:32 pm
purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: sad)
Why do I always end up in relationships that I end up hurting in?

Why do I even bother to try to form meaningful relationships when I know they'll all fail in the end? I have three close friends, one of which I talk to somewhat regularly, and Bryan. And we all know how well that's been going lately.

He says he'll try to make things better, try to work on things. How can he fix things when he's three hours away, going to garage sales with his mother?

He says he contributes to the house, that he cooks, does dishes, and is going to be driving me to student teaching, and helped me petsit. However, I'm the one who works 40 hours a week to pay for the food he cooks and the soap that washes the dishes. I clean the house, I wash and fold his laundry, and if it weren't for me being friends with Caroline, we wouldn't have had the pet sitting job at all. He just waltzes off to do fun things while I work my fucking ass off. I pay his bills. I pay the rent. I deal with his video game addiction. I fucking gave him a laptop. Granted it's used and has issues, but it actually runs, unlike the laptop his dad gave him. (And for those who are curious and wonder how I got a Macbook Pro while being unable to afford a wedding, I got extra financial aid to cover my computer- I found out that I can do a budget adjustment to pay for a computer once during my time in school. That's how I got the laptop, which is one of the smaller, cheaper Pros. They don't do budget adjustments for weddings.)

And I'm sitting here at Financial Aid, working, with the exciting prospect of going home and crying to my fish this evening, while Bryan is off in the mountains, having fun with his family.

Which is apparently another point of issue between us. He thinks I'm jealous of the relationship he has with his family. I'm just jealous of the fact that he actually gets to SEE his family. Since this time last year, I've seen his family 6 times. I've seen my mother ONCE.
purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: down)
-wedding has been postponed indefinitely. canceled reservation for the Arrowhead Lodge, so the refund will help out with finances.
-three days (well, two whole days and Wednesday morning) left of petsitting. It will be nice to have my life back.
-Bryan left for Lake Luzerne today.
-7 more days of work left.
-working on cranking out a unit on butterflies for student teaching. already.
-running out of new Doctor Who to watch. may have to start on the older stuff.
-been living off of coffee lately. not good, but considering the amount of stress I've been under lately...
-if I hear Stephen sing "Poker Face" or "My Heart Will Go On" one more time I will kill something.
-borderline depressed. woo.
purpleparadox: (SM: what the hell?)
I made ONE post about how upset I am with their service on twitter, and now "FlyUnited" is following me on twitter.

And I think I've got good reason to think their service sucks, too. The last leg of Bryan's flight to California, the Denver to Oakland part, got canceled when he flew over to California last Wednesday. Nobody was sure when he'd get a flight out there, it could be the following evening, but no they didn't have any hotel vouchers, so Bry almost spent the night in the Denver airport. (They thankfully managed to find him a flight to San Francisco that got him there a few hours later than planned.)

Then, last night, at 9:30, I get a call from Bryan. I was half asleep, and expecting him to say "I'm about to get on my last flight, from Chicago to Burlington. I'll snuggle you when I get home at 3 am!"

Instead I got "I'm not coming home tonight. They overbooked our flight, and I actually got a hotel voucher this time. Hey, this means I can do some hotel research for our honeymoon, eh?"

Way to look on the bright side of things, Bry- I was about ready to scream at that point. Seriously, two major fuckups on one trip? I've never flown United, and despite the fact that they gave Bry a voucher for a free flight (he told me I could use it to visit Rin - I told him I'd rather walk), I will never ever fly with them.

And now they're stalking me on Twitter. Creeeepy.

*sigh*

May. 30th, 2009 04:30 pm
purpleparadox: (Default)
5 more days until I get to see Bryan again. This is torture. I kinda hope he waits to get a teaching job until I at least finish student teaching. I'm having issues with three weeks - how could I last three months? I just don't function as well without him to bounce ideas off of, to snuggle with, to make sure I'm eating well, and to keep me from panicking over the stupid stuff. I mean, yeah, I'm an independent person, but there's something about his presence that just makes me feel a lot better.

I can't really believe this is happening, considering we freakin' live together, but I'm at that weird point where I doubt that he really exists. It happened two summers ago, when we hardly talked but I was so in love with him, and was miserable because he was over 400 miles away. Did he really ever kiss me, or was it just some funky hallucination? Is that telescope over in the corner his, or is it really mine? Being surrounded by his stuff is more commonplace than it was two summers ago. I had one box of his sweaters and his fi - well, now it's our filing cabinet, and some other assorted stuff. I used to rifle through it just to be surrounded by his stuff, because it was his and it smelled like him. Now all his shirts smell like the laundry detergent we both use, and his pillow smells like me instead of him. I don't even have any dirty Bryan socks laying around, because I did laundry last week. Diving into his shirt drawer won't help me anymore. It's all our stuff, not just his, not just mine. I wonder why I feel this way- I know he has to come back here. I know he's my fiance. But it feels like all that was a good dream. I need him back here. I miss him so much.

I know this is stupid, he'll be back here on Friday night and all will be right with the world. I should stop taking his presence for granted. I got so used to sitting in the bedroom, with him in the living room at the computer, that I just did my own thing, and he did his thing. We hardly spent time with each other besides when we slept. It was dumb of me to let things get like that.

Okay. I'm going to stop rambling. I should probably get off my but at some point and clean. (In all reality I'm probably going to go watch Magic Knight Rayearth, and hope for some more Ferio and Fuu scenes. <3 )
purpleparadox: (Two different people)
I just remembered why I hate living alone so much. There's nobody to talk to, and nobody to do stuff with on weekends. Even if it's just laundry, or taking a walk to the store, it's better with a buddy. Preferably a curly haired buddy named Bryan. God, I miss him. I'm not mopey about it, though.

He called today- he's going to be camping in the Grand Canyon for two night (lucky bastard), and THEN I might actually get to talk to him. He called while I was at work, and unlike every other job I've had on campus, Financial Aid actually has me doing work, so I can't pick up the phone and chat whenever I want.

Speaking of work and calling people - my dad fucking ditched me AGAIN. Granted, he said he could come up Wednesday, but this is bullshit. I can't count how many times I've cleared my schedule for him only to have him say "Sorry, sweetheart, but I can't come up, you know I hate giving you such short notice", blah blah blah, if he hated it so much why does he still only give me a day or two notice?

Maybe I shoulda gone to Massena with Tara. I'm bored and lonely, and Tara's pretty much the only person in town that I hang out with. Phil's usually working (as evidenced by his mom bringing in his financial aid papers), and my grad school friends - wait, what am I saying? I have no grad school friends.

Dammit. I wish I had Animal Crossing already. I'd just sit and play that all night.

Well, I still haven't beaten the second Phoenix Wright game (sad, I know), or the third one, so I may do that tonight - just bring the DS out on the back porch, get comfy, and play until the mosquitos start eating me.
purpleparadox: (om nom nom)
Yeah, last night sucked, but today's been pretty darn good. I went downtown to mail some stuff, deposit some money, and went to campus. The sun was out, and it wasn't too hot, and the trees are green and pretty. Talked to Bryan a few times today, too. I also got to hang out with Tara and play with her lovely puppies. I'm gonna try my hand at making little loli clothes for Hitomi later. :D

My dad is an idiot and is using the fact that Bryan's dad's van is broken and I may or may not have to be around to give the keys to the van to whoever tows it as a reason not to come up to visit tomorrow. I fucking knew this would happen. This is the 6th time in the past year that he's said he'd come up and then tell me he's not coming the day before he's supposed to be up here. I've stopped expecting much. I see Bryan's dad more often than I see my own. Hell, I think the last time I saw my dad was before I was even dating Bryan.

Mmm, I has yummy noodles to nom on for dinner. :D
purpleparadox: (so tired)
Oh lord, getting to sleep last night took FOREVER. Every little bump I heard from the upstairs apartments or the heater jolted me out of sleep. Every thought of some little critter landing on the Mint Chocolate Chip Mobile and setting the alarm off made me freak. I was even convinced I'd left the stove burners on, and got up to make sure I'd turned the stove off. (That's not a new worry for me - I used to get up in the middle of the night when I was a kid and check to make sure Mom'd turned the burners off, because I was afraid the house would burn down) I swear, if my anxiety gets to me again tonight, I may have to take sleeping pills. It was that annoying.

I made it through night one safely, thank God. I think I needed to calm down, and while sometimes I could pretend that Bunzilla was Bryan, Bunzilla's got a much bigger ass than Bry does. (I should post a picture of Bunzilla for all my Dreamwidth friends, so they can see him. He's awesome.) At least I had something to cuddle, something to occupy the other side of the bed, because aside from one night where I got mad at Bryan and slept on the couch, this is the first time in a year I've slept alone for any length of time.

I think this is going to take some getting used to.

Ah well. I have coffee, and an egg bagel that came all the way from Long Island so I could eat it, and I have a list of things to do today, so I won't have any down points while the sun is up, that's for sure. :)
purpleparadox: (Two different people)
Yep, Bryan's left for his trip to Arizona, and I'm stuck here with a dead van, a handful of Netflix movies, and a hamper of dirty laundry.

It's funny - I wanted to go on this trip too, but I told Bryan that someone's gotta stay home and work, to pay the bills. And here I am, unemployed. Haha. Nice one, universe. I'd much rather be on my way to Arizona, to hang out with the Navajo, instead of here in freezing Potsdam. I have to take my plants inside AGAIN tonight, because of another damn frost warning.

Ah well. If the weather's nice, I can sit outside and listen to ELO, and pretend the apartment's just one big tent, and I'm 17 again, and just sticking to myself and doing what I want.

Dammit, I wish we still had cable. At least Spongebob Squarepants could keep me company.

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The Purple Paradox

February 2011

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