purpleparadox: (Weeeeeellll...)
I can't believe it's been ten years since I started college. Ten years since I took my first trip up to Potsdam, all optimistic about college and making friends and classes and everything.

It feels like everything's changed while nothing has changed.

I mean, the town is essentially the same - downtown looks a lot nicer than it did ten years ago, there's a lot less derelict and empty storefronts. We actually have a decent grocery store. We have a friggin' Walmart. Bay Street has not changed one bit, either, although there's no crazies living at 14 Bay anymore (thank god!), and they finally painted over the "PLEASE CLOSE DOOR" on 38 Bay, one of the places I used to live in. Campus is a lot different, though. They've torn out the original courtyard to the Student Union and completely redone it. They stuffed a cafe in the library. They gutted the Greenery and turned it into Becky's Place At Pratt Commons (or whatever the hell they call it now). There are computers in classrooms other than the ones in Kellas.

But nobody really cares about the town, the college, I don't think.

I'm looking at myself, though, and seeing how much I changed. I never really notice it until I look back on things I'd written in the past, or how I acted, and think about just how stupid I was. I've matured a lot, which is surprising to me. My work ethic is a lot better. When I held my first campus job, I thought nothing about skipping work and classes. Now, I'm working 39 hours a week and going to 12 credit hours worth of classes. I am also a lot less... stupid in relationships, I guess you could say. I'm not even going to get into my escapades during my first two years of college, but I will say I've settled down a LOT, considering I did just get married.

I think I need to finish my graduate degree and get out of this town. Only then will I truly feel like an adult, I think. Only then will I feel like I've finally made something of myself. The more I stay here, the more worthless I feel. This town leeches the life out of you if you stay longer than four or five years.
purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: down)
Maybe it's me being sick, maybe it's because I had a rough day which ended with a student weeping because he had 20 minutes of time out during recess, or maybe it's the depression talking, but I'm seriously wondering if I'm cut out to be a teacher.

Oh, I handled weepy kid pretty well- sure, he kept crying, but I didn't lose it, and that's the important thing, I guess.

But I'm one of the least organized people on the planet. I'm also pretty awkward around kids. I'm irresponsible. I would love nothing better than to just curl up in bed and sleep until 8, read a book all day, and have that be my day.

I had the first of four "triad" meetings, where I sit down with my supervisor and my mentor teacher and we talk about "how I'm doing", and rate things on a 0-3 scale, 0 being "needs work" and 3 being the level of a master teacher.

Well, apparently I'm a master teacher when it comes to dressing myself professionally. Other than that, I'm no better than a student fresh out of their 100 hour observation period. I've been at this for four weeks, and teaching for half the day for two. And my mentor teacher and my supervisor said I've come a long way from where I was when I started, which leads me to believe I was an absolute wreck when I came in. A well dressed wreck, but a wreck nonetheless.

I have maturity issues. I need to learn to shut up when others are talking. I need to be less "calm and soothing" when in front of the class. I need to be more of a disciplinarian. I need to plan better. I need to be more aware of what every student in the class is doing. I need to vary my lessons more. I need to do this that and the other thing. I need to be someone entirely different.

I think I just wasted a lot of money on an education that may end up getting no use at all.

Why?

Aug. 14th, 2009 01:32 pm
purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: sad)
Why do I always end up in relationships that I end up hurting in?

Why do I even bother to try to form meaningful relationships when I know they'll all fail in the end? I have three close friends, one of which I talk to somewhat regularly, and Bryan. And we all know how well that's been going lately.

He says he'll try to make things better, try to work on things. How can he fix things when he's three hours away, going to garage sales with his mother?

He says he contributes to the house, that he cooks, does dishes, and is going to be driving me to student teaching, and helped me petsit. However, I'm the one who works 40 hours a week to pay for the food he cooks and the soap that washes the dishes. I clean the house, I wash and fold his laundry, and if it weren't for me being friends with Caroline, we wouldn't have had the pet sitting job at all. He just waltzes off to do fun things while I work my fucking ass off. I pay his bills. I pay the rent. I deal with his video game addiction. I fucking gave him a laptop. Granted it's used and has issues, but it actually runs, unlike the laptop his dad gave him. (And for those who are curious and wonder how I got a Macbook Pro while being unable to afford a wedding, I got extra financial aid to cover my computer- I found out that I can do a budget adjustment to pay for a computer once during my time in school. That's how I got the laptop, which is one of the smaller, cheaper Pros. They don't do budget adjustments for weddings.)

And I'm sitting here at Financial Aid, working, with the exciting prospect of going home and crying to my fish this evening, while Bryan is off in the mountains, having fun with his family.

Which is apparently another point of issue between us. He thinks I'm jealous of the relationship he has with his family. I'm just jealous of the fact that he actually gets to SEE his family. Since this time last year, I've seen his family 6 times. I've seen my mother ONCE.
purpleparadox: (Escaflowne: down)
-wedding has been postponed indefinitely. canceled reservation for the Arrowhead Lodge, so the refund will help out with finances.
-three days (well, two whole days and Wednesday morning) left of petsitting. It will be nice to have my life back.
-Bryan left for Lake Luzerne today.
-7 more days of work left.
-working on cranking out a unit on butterflies for student teaching. already.
-running out of new Doctor Who to watch. may have to start on the older stuff.
-been living off of coffee lately. not good, but considering the amount of stress I've been under lately...
-if I hear Stephen sing "Poker Face" or "My Heart Will Go On" one more time I will kill something.
-borderline depressed. woo.
purpleparadox: (Default)
I hate the school's insurance company.

This is the first day I've had to decide between staying sane and being able to breathe. I wonder if it says something about me that I picked the antidepressants over the asthma medicine.

Stupid fucking insurance. Unless Dr. Moose can get me on some of the $4 generics that WalMart offers, I'm probably going to lose it this summer - especially without birth control regulating everything.

Fuck. When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? We couldn't afford to pay any of our bills this month, just rent, so we pay double of what we usually do on our next bills, and what happens if we can't afford to pay all of them? I think the phone would be what goes first - it's so expensive and Bry's had his phone shut off before. First I was dealing with that shit, and now my pills.

UGH.
purpleparadox: (so tired)
Well, I feel abandoned.

Brittany, who drives me to pre-student teaching every Monday, and usually sits next to me in Math, is all the way across the room today. I dunno what I did, but I guess it just reinforces the fact that's been evident since middle school: I'm really not appealing to most people, or friend material, I guess.

I shouldn't let this get me down. I'm in freakin' grad school, for crying out loud. However, I've only really got one friend right in real life right now, and that's Bryan. It's hard for me to not have friends.


In other news, only half the class showed up to Math today. I think they all forgot that the final was due today and decided to stay home to avoid handing it in.

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The Purple Paradox

February 2011

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