purpleparadox: (Crazy in the Coconut!)
Why do I feel guilty for just wanting some time to myself? I've been constantly on the go, all damn semester long, and I just want some down time. It's the first weekend I've had since August where I haven't had some sort of commitment to worry about. Is it so wrong that I just want to sit in front of my computer, surf the internet, and listen to music like I haven't really been able to do all semester?

I mean, yeah, I did get some chances to do that, but they were in the ICT office, surrounded by computer bits, in an uncomfortable desk chair, and with people constantly coming in and out and in and out of my office. But aside from that, and the hour or so I was able to snatch each morning and evening after waking up/before going to bed, I haven't had time to do my sort of relaxing in a very long time.

Why do I feel guilty about this?

We just sat and watched TV together for two hours, and ate dinner, and it was nice, but now that I want to use the computer again, I feel guilty because he's on his side of the room, sad because we're not next to each other, paying attention to each other, and so on.

I want to hide, and just come out tomorrow when I feel better again.
purpleparadox: (Default)
I've been quiet lately, I know. I spent the weekend in Lake George, and purposely didn't bring my laptop, so that explains this weekend's absence. I've been reading everyone's entries, but haven't really had much to talk about.

I've re-discovered my love for Dream Theater. They're a prog-rock band that Justin introduced me to back when we were dating, back in 2001. We got to see them twice in concert, and I really love their stuff. I fell out of the habit of listening to them when they took a turn towards the metal side, and I wasn't a huge fan of metal back then... Now, my tastes have changed, and I'm rediscovering them and remembering old favorite songs, and it's awesome.

I get very frustrated when the girls from the sorority I was in call me directly and ask me to cover their shifts at the computer lab. They expect me to take their shifts because I'm a 'sister'. I don't want to work for them because I literally can't (I'm working 40 hours a week for the college, and I can't work any more), and I don't want to work for them on principle - they ONLY talk to me when they need something, and usually it's covering one of their shifts. Just because I'm working at Levitt doesn't mean it's my only job, and I can't drop everything to work your shift. Plan better, and post to the damn email list. It's there for a reason - so you can find someone to cover your shift.

I'm bordering on the edge of wanting to hide for no reason. Yesterday afternoon, all I did was curl up in bed and watch Bones for 5 hours. I'd like to do that tonight, but I have to go to yoga. I'll feel better after yoga.
purpleparadox: (Depressed)
For some reason, I feel very embarrassed talking about this. I have to get it out somehow, though, and I think I'd be even more embarrassed bringing this up to my one real-life friend (Michelle), so you guys get to deal with me. Yaay.

To put it bluntly and short, I think I might have Asperger's Syndrome.

It would explain a hell of a lot about why I am the way I am. I suck at normal conversations and social interactions. I focus too much on random and obscure stuff, to the exclusion of things I should be worrying about. (Do you need to know something about Sailor Moon? I can give you the birthdays of half the characters, and tell you the original air dates of each season, and tell you all about how they cut so much out of the American version and what they cut out, but ask me about classwork, like Flash, and I'll give you a blank stare.) I have to stick to my morning and evening routines or I get really out of whack. (Each morning, I get up, take my blanket and put it on my chair, go get a cup of coffee, and surf the internet until 7:30, when I get dressed. I talk to Bryan, and we get ready together - even his being gone on Friday mornings throws me off. At night, I retrieve my blanket from where I left it on my desk chair, read or watch TV in bed, and then burrow under said blanket in a very specific way and sleep - if the blanket is gone, there is no way in hell I can sleep) I can't make friends for shit. I just don't know how to relate to people in real life.

I almost want Asperger's to be the answer to all that's wrong with me, because then it will have a label. Then, I can say "oh, it's because of this" and not feel like such a horrible, miserable failure of a human being.

I'm going to see if I can meet with Dr. Moose this week and bring it up with him - he's my usual doctor at Student Health Services. I really hope he doesn't laugh me out of his office. I don't know what I'd do then. I don't know where else to go.
purpleparadox: (Down)
I don't know what's wrong with me today. All through work, it felt like I'd totally forgotten how to interact with other humans, and it just slowly got worse as the day dragged on. It ended up getting to the point where I wanted to crawl underneath my desk and just hide. Now I'm home, and I've eaten and so on, and I should be relaxed, but I'm just getting worse.

Fuck, I hope it's not my seasonal affective crap coming on early. Fuck fuck fuck. I only feel like this when I'm depressed, when the sun goes away and the leaves fall down and all that.

At least it can't get any worse than last year, right? With the whole student teaching mess and all? I still shudder at the thought of going into an elementary school - how bad is that? I wonder if Mrs. Burnett even realizes exactly what she did when she told my supervisor she didn't want me coming back to the school. That whole experience seriously fucked me over. I battled daily anxiety attacks, insane amounts of stress, and still forced myself to put on a happy face and work myself to exhaustion. And then that.

Yeah. Not going to think about that. It'll probably make me cry. I'm already borderline weepy as it is.

OH WAIT I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. It's me being hormonal from skipping a period so I could go on my honeymoon period-free.

Well, crap.

Anyway. I just feel like a loser in general. I mean, it's a Friday night, and I'm curled up in my armchair under piles of blankets, drinking wine, listening to Ayreon and reading comics, while the rest of the town is probably partying. Whatever. This is what I do.

Meanwhile on an entirely different subject, I'm married now. When do I start feeling like an adult? Or have I been living my own demented version of adulthood for the past three years and never even realized it? Because nothing's changed. He still leaves his socks all over the place and complains about doing dishes, and I still leave my underwear all over the bathroom and complain about folding laundry. I still listen to Lady Gaga, he still plays video games. I still sleep with my security blanket, he still steals the blankets. I mean, I know, essentially nothing should change except my name, but.... I'd sort-of hoped for more for myself at this age than living in a rundown college town apartment, working maximum hours for minimum wage, still in graduate school.

If I'd known where I would end up in ten years when I started college, if I'd known what decisions I would make and the fucked up ride I would end up on, I wonder if I'd have done something different.
purpleparadox: (WTF?)
I don't feel normal.

I worry about the ridiculous stuff, like about what I say at work and how it's perceived. I try to put on a good front at work, and in front of my new friends, but it even feels like my normal self is a mask, hiding a small, scared girl who's afraid of the light.

I'm almost tempted to go back to counseling - after all, Student Counseling is right downstairs from my office - but what am I going to say? "I don't feel normal. My life is perfect, but I just don't feel right." Sure. That'll work. I almost get the feeling that I annoy people when I go over there. Like they're thinking "Oh lord, not her again. How long has she been here, anyway? Ten years? Seriously, grow up and graduate." Two of the people who used to work there when I started going to counseling (and when counseling used to be in Dunn, where the IT offices are now - how weird is that, I spend lots of time where I used to spend lots of time) retired, so it's not so bad. Wait, I take that back. My counselor retired, a few years ago, and that's kinda a pain in the ass. I'm still in the process of explaining my life to the new guy, Josh. He's nice, and he listens, and he always says hi to me when he sees me around campus.

I think I may go back. I don't know if it's because I'm stressed out, or overworking myself, or if I'm just really broken. I just want to sleep all the time. I get home from work and class and plop myself down in front of the computer, and I don't even really do anything. I listen to Gaga. I watch her videos. I want to lock myself in a dark room and listen to The Fame Monster for hours on end. I just want to hide. I'm making friends, and I have a job, and I'm doing so well in my major, and all I want to do is hide.

What the hell is wrong with me?

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The Purple Paradox

February 2011

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