Aug. 27th, 2010

purpleparadox: (Down)
I don't know what's wrong with me today. All through work, it felt like I'd totally forgotten how to interact with other humans, and it just slowly got worse as the day dragged on. It ended up getting to the point where I wanted to crawl underneath my desk and just hide. Now I'm home, and I've eaten and so on, and I should be relaxed, but I'm just getting worse.

Fuck, I hope it's not my seasonal affective crap coming on early. Fuck fuck fuck. I only feel like this when I'm depressed, when the sun goes away and the leaves fall down and all that.

At least it can't get any worse than last year, right? With the whole student teaching mess and all? I still shudder at the thought of going into an elementary school - how bad is that? I wonder if Mrs. Burnett even realizes exactly what she did when she told my supervisor she didn't want me coming back to the school. That whole experience seriously fucked me over. I battled daily anxiety attacks, insane amounts of stress, and still forced myself to put on a happy face and work myself to exhaustion. And then that.

Yeah. Not going to think about that. It'll probably make me cry. I'm already borderline weepy as it is.

OH WAIT I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. It's me being hormonal from skipping a period so I could go on my honeymoon period-free.

Well, crap.

Anyway. I just feel like a loser in general. I mean, it's a Friday night, and I'm curled up in my armchair under piles of blankets, drinking wine, listening to Ayreon and reading comics, while the rest of the town is probably partying. Whatever. This is what I do.

Meanwhile on an entirely different subject, I'm married now. When do I start feeling like an adult? Or have I been living my own demented version of adulthood for the past three years and never even realized it? Because nothing's changed. He still leaves his socks all over the place and complains about doing dishes, and I still leave my underwear all over the bathroom and complain about folding laundry. I still listen to Lady Gaga, he still plays video games. I still sleep with my security blanket, he still steals the blankets. I mean, I know, essentially nothing should change except my name, but.... I'd sort-of hoped for more for myself at this age than living in a rundown college town apartment, working maximum hours for minimum wage, still in graduate school.

If I'd known where I would end up in ten years when I started college, if I'd known what decisions I would make and the fucked up ride I would end up on, I wonder if I'd have done something different.

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The Purple Paradox

February 2011

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