Jun. 10th, 2010

purpleparadox: (WTF?)
I don't feel normal.

I worry about the ridiculous stuff, like about what I say at work and how it's perceived. I try to put on a good front at work, and in front of my new friends, but it even feels like my normal self is a mask, hiding a small, scared girl who's afraid of the light.

I'm almost tempted to go back to counseling - after all, Student Counseling is right downstairs from my office - but what am I going to say? "I don't feel normal. My life is perfect, but I just don't feel right." Sure. That'll work. I almost get the feeling that I annoy people when I go over there. Like they're thinking "Oh lord, not her again. How long has she been here, anyway? Ten years? Seriously, grow up and graduate." Two of the people who used to work there when I started going to counseling (and when counseling used to be in Dunn, where the IT offices are now - how weird is that, I spend lots of time where I used to spend lots of time) retired, so it's not so bad. Wait, I take that back. My counselor retired, a few years ago, and that's kinda a pain in the ass. I'm still in the process of explaining my life to the new guy, Josh. He's nice, and he listens, and he always says hi to me when he sees me around campus.

I think I may go back. I don't know if it's because I'm stressed out, or overworking myself, or if I'm just really broken. I just want to sleep all the time. I get home from work and class and plop myself down in front of the computer, and I don't even really do anything. I listen to Gaga. I watch her videos. I want to lock myself in a dark room and listen to The Fame Monster for hours on end. I just want to hide. I'm making friends, and I have a job, and I'm doing so well in my major, and all I want to do is hide.

What the hell is wrong with me?
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The Purple Paradox

February 2011

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